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I have to write this out and express how I feel. It's not that I need more advice or judgment because I know I made the right decision for my future. I just feel so broken hearted and in shock. It's like I'm drowning and nobody can save me but myself. I've kept this part of my life hidden from others. I cannot openly talk about it with friends because it's just too painful for me right now.
The first week after I left him was sweet freedom and I unknowingly buried my true feelings. Now its reality and I feel like an important part of me is gone forever. It's just me instead of "us".
Lately I’ve been weak and very close to taking him back in my life. It would be so easy just to start back where we left off because he is so wonderful to me. I truly love him more than anything in this world.
Please don't think I left him because he is a monster or at fault. He just loves me and doesn't want to let me go or out of his sight for even a minute. He can't accept my decision to end our engagement and feels with time he can change my mind. I broke his heart when I told him I couldn't marry him and used my family as my entire excuse. Oh God, I'm such a coward and a terrible liar. I just couldn't break his heart by telling him the entire truth: that I don't want this way of life permanently with him in Kuwait.
I can't be expected to give up everything in the USA and stay here forever. I mentioned giving birth to our future babies in the USA where we have the best hospitals in the world. He panicked like I’m going to run away with his newborn and join a Christian cult. What is so wrong with wanting Christian babies because that is my belief? I have nothing against his religion but it's not fair that I am the one giving up this important part of me.
His career and family is also more important than mine so leaving Kuwait is out of the question. He won’t even discuss other possibilities. I'm too young, selfish and stubborn to make such a life changing decision. What about my parents when they are old? It's not fair to leave their care to my siblings while I'm thousands of miles away. How can I justify my children seeing their Grandparents only once or twice a year?
There are just too many things that I would have to sacrifice and with him it's very little. His entire immediate family has embraced me which is nothing short of a miracle. I would love to stay friends with everyone but so far it's not working except for his parents. He is beyond devastated and believes we will end up together because we love each other too much.
This is so damn hard but I am almost sure I've done the right thing for me. I already waited too late and should have never accepted his proposal. He can’t accept it. I’ve even thought that I should quit my job and leave Kuwait. Maybe I just need to put some distance between us. The only problem is that I still would be changing everything for him.
I like my job, life, friends and living in Kuwait. I also know that no matter where I go he will follow me. He made that very clear. That is if I can even leave because he told me several times out of anger to not even think about leaving Kuwait. He said he can ban me from doing so.
I just wanted to write my thoughts out. I feel like I’m drowning and even chocolate and trashy US Reality TV isn’t helping me to feel any better. I will probably delete this post when I wake up tomorrow. Just please pray for me that I stay strong and avoid being sucked back in. I want to save myself before it’s too late.