Photo credit: Butterflies Google Images
Our relationship / engagement is officially, completely, undeniably over. Dinner wasn't about reconciliation and a last minute compromise. Our last meal was about closure and saying goodbye.
I was a nervous wreck and slightly emotional but it was so good to see him. We talked and laughed (I <3 his laugh) for several hours at one of our favorite Kuwaiti restaurants. I had butterflies in my tummy throughout the entire night and I kept wishing that he would agree to compromise a little so we could possibly get back together. Of course he was just amazing and told me how much he missed and loves me. I told him how much I still love him and how I’m having trouble living in Kuwait without seeing him all the time.
Nothing much to say about the rest of the dinner except I think he is moving on and accepting that I may not be “the one”. He didn’t say it but I just felt he looked almost relieved that it’s finally over. I think he just felt so hurt by my actions and he has finally had enough. I’m not used to feeling insecure but I am really down. As I’m writing this post it just sounds so pathetic and I know what you’re thinking…”Expat is F’ed up”!
Dinner did go well because he listened and I was able to confess everything that made me afraid. At first we kept interrupting each other to talk which only made us keep laughing at each other. He is such a good man.
Now that it’s really over I have never felt this kind of loneliness like the way I'm feeling without him. I have my highs and lows but after our last meeting it's been mostly lows. Kuwait just isn’t the same and I've thrown myself into working as much overtime as possible. I keep thinking about my life and going over every detail of our relationship in my head and it’s so depressing without him.
Part of me wants to be alone and by myself because I need the time to just work through my emotions and stop loving him. Some of my friends have suggested that I start dating again. Their suggestion felt so insulting to me and I feel like they don’t really care. (You know who you are B’s!)
There have been several invitations from local and Western men who want to “take me out as friends to cheer me up” since they all know my situation. I refused each invite because I would rather walk on shattered glass and then soak my feet in rubbing alcohol. I have absolutely no interest in men at all. I’m about ready to join a convent and crochet my life away.
I did take one positive step. I started applying for safety jobs outside of Kuwait in the UAE, Oman, Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, etc. Just seeing what’s out there because I would love to do one year in Dubai. I keep thinking it would be something different yet still only 55 minutes away from him by air. Urrrr, pathetic!
Every time I think of Hayati I still get butterflies in my tummy. :( He just sent me a message to check on me and tell me that he still loves me.