His Rules...
1. Live in Kuwait because of his career and family.
2. Live with his family until we build or buy our own house.
3. No male friends except work colleagues.
4. I can continue to work until I become a Mother but I have to find a job that doesn’t require me to work so many hours. He said that once we are married I do not have to work.
5. I can remain Christian but our Children will be raised as Muslims.
6. We can still have Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and Halloween celebrations.
7. I can continue to wear Western style clothes but they must be conservative. I do not have to cover my hair or wear Middle Eastern Style clothes.
8. I cannot drink any alcohol ever again after marriage.
9. He will not be the boss of me but I have to consult him first before I make any decisions regarding travel, work, family, etc.
10. Once we are engaged we can do certain things. Once we are married we can do everything except for what is considered non-Islamic.
My Thoughts…
I enjoy living in Kuwait but I’m not sure if I can stay here forever.
There is no way I want to be a newlywed and live with his parents. That would take all the fun out of marriage for me. I’m afraid his Mother might make life difficult for me to say the least.
I suggested we have our own rented villa until we get our house. We can still keep an apartment inside his family’s house and stay there from time to time. That didn’t go over well.
I have male friends that are like family here. I understand his point so I will respect his wishes. Hopefully my friends will become his friends.
I love my current job but it is taking a lot out of me. I will try to balance career and family life. I am not the type to be a stay at home wife. When I become a Mother I do want to raise them myself and be there for my children. No maid will ever take the place of their Mommy.
Religion is the hard part. I would rather teach them both religions and let them decide for themselves when they get older.
I will always celebrate my beloved American and Christian Holidays.
I already dress conservative so that isn’t a problem. However, I wear a bikini when I go to the Western, hotel beaches and pools in Kuwait with my girlfriends. When I swim at my apartment I wear a one piece. I told him I will wear a one piece but he wants me to wear that Burkini thing. Can you imagine my tan lines? Nope, I won’t wear one of those big things.
I am not an alcoholic but I do drink outside of Kuwait. I enjoy wine with my meals, cocktails with the girls and cold beer on game day. We are arguing about this rule because I will remain Christian so why the need to give up alcohol?
We will be a team as husband and wife so we both should consult each other before making any major decisions.
I will be a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets. He laughed when I told him that.
Keeping Secrets:
I have been honest with him from the start but I haven’t told him everything. We started out as friends and I wasn't looking to meet anyone or get married. One of the things I will never tell him about is this blog. I know I will have to end this chapter of my life if I become his wife. Don’t worry…I’m not going to start a cupcake business or become a Stepford wife. I will still be me. ;P
Hey there,
ReplyDeletenice post, though i certainly not a big fan of this inter-relation kinda stuff, ya i do agree the place where you born and brought up it has offered you a lot but to be with some one you love (so called -- cause i am yet to find one :P), you are ready to give up things, and i personally feel its quite awkward for people from western side, its hard - understandable but yet not acceptable, i can literally comment on each and every point you made but it will be more of a mocking than to really answer it , what i actually want is, you have to just accept one major fact, once you are with this guy, will he stand there for you and be there till the end, if your gut feelings give you a positive nod, then move completely into him else not worth it, in the end its all about happiness and filling the emptiness which is there all the time until you met your soul mate, and no offense, did i say anything wrong, i dono :), btw dono y all blonds love making cup cakes :P
Looooool.... yeah wow. What rules you got there... have fun with that..
ReplyDeleteJust to let you know, he's only letting you know what the rules are before you get married, but once you are married, he will EXPECT you to follow them. I.E. he will demand them.
I think that you jumped into this wayyyyyyyyyy too quick. You shoud've been with this guy for at least a year. The divorce rate in Kuwait is just too high to quickly jump into marriage...
But whatever, I could be wrong.
I am a fan of your blog and you seem like a great lady, so I am disappointed to read that you are seriously considering this guy. He sounds controlling now, so he will be even more so when you are married --- believe that. I have experience in this area. Living with his parents will SUCK. You are right that Newlyweds do need their privacy and own space to create a home. It can take many years to get land and build a house here, so you could be living with the parentals for a long-ass time! And you shouldnt have to give up a nice glass of wine now and then; that's none of his damn business. Also, you shouldnt have to ditch your friends---dont be naieve to think he will embrace ur male buddies --- not gonna happen. It will turn into the following: him resenting them, trying to get you away from them, fights abut the issue, him checking your mobile.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, speak to Western women who are married to Kuwaitis. SOme are happy and forunate, but MANY others regret it. It's not worth the money (Im not suggesting you are a gold digger; clearly you can support yourself). You are beautiful, so know that another, and perhaps more suited partner, will come along. My advice is dont get swept up in the moment...ask yourself: is it really worth it? A guy who is good for you will, in the least, give you the time to know eachoth more, not push you into a decision right away, based on HIS "religious beliefs". I care, so that's why I write these words to you...
Rahman ~ All blondes make cupcakes? Darn it, I didn't know that...loool. I love to eat them, does that count? Thank you for your comment. :)
ReplyDeleteYousef ~ ouch! ;) That's what I said, that we should date for at least a year. He keeps saying it isn't Islamic. I keep hearing the same thing from other people, that after marriage he will become stricter. That he will change for the worse. I am so glad I posted this because I need some good advice. I haven't posted about my personal life (dating)in a long time because it's too personal. I wasn't sure if I should but now I'm glad I did. Thank you for your honest input. :)
ReplyDeleteAnonymous ~ thank you so much for caring and for being so honest. Thank you for the nice things you said. What you wrote really has me thinking. I clearly don't know what I'm doing. This has all happened so fast. I just fell in love with him and all the good things about him. I could care less about his $ but I do like that he treats me like a Princess. He is pressuring me to rush into something too quickly. I think of marriage for life and for when I'm a little older. I'm not ready to settle down or commit to living in Kuwait forever. I certainly do not want to live with his family. I know it would suck. It seems like he wants me to make all the changes and sacrifices to be with him. What do I tell him? What can I say? I love him but I'm far from ready to be his wife. Please help me know what to say to him so I don't lose him but will enable me more time to know if he is my true soul mate.
ReplyDeleteI am 21 years old and have many many friends who are the same age as me (some even younger) and are already married. Want to know their #1 reason? Sex. They want to have sex, and according to Islam you can't do that unless you get married. So what do guys do here? They be sweet, all romantic, all treating the girl as best as they can be without showing their true side, without showing their true self, interests, and their behaviors. They find an attractive girl, sweet talk them for 2-3 months, then marry them so they can have sex. Or actually a lot of the times they don't even do the dating part, they just contact and family and get hitched up ASAP and skip al the dating part.
ReplyDeleteSo what happens after all that? He'll want to have a kid ASAP like within the year, just as many of my friends are doing. Look, he's already bringing up Islam this and Islam that, so what's he gonna do as soon as you're married? Bring it up like before but then use the argument that you have to obey him cause you're his wife, according to Islam (which is wrong btw, but I've seen this time and time again).
Oh and once you're married, forgot doing anything social with him. Amongst my friends it's not even right to ask about your wife, and even one of my friend's doesn't even ever bring his wife up in conversation, it's like she doesn't exist lol.
My Mom is american and she has so so so soooooooooooooo many friends who are american who married Kuwaitis. 70% of them are divorced, and the other 20% have "converted" to Islam and wear the Hijab and all that. 10% are actually success stories where the husband is more open minded and they're married in a more western type of marriage where everything is more open. My own parents are like this actually and they're part of the 10%, but my dad is so open. He prays 5 times a day and goes to the mosque every friday, but he never said anything to my Mom about imposing islamic things on her. My sisters are both not wearing hijab cause he said it's their choice and they chose not to put it on and he's absolutely fine with that.
So anyways I'm getting really personal now lol, but I just want to let you know I've seen this time and time again. The biggest factor in me thinking like this is the amount of rules he gave you EVEN BEFORE you are engaged! Guys who are sweet talkers are a dime a dozen man, you gotta live with them and date them for a while in order to see their true selves.
So like, he's my advice basically. If you really think there's a future with this guy, you tell him you need more time, simple as that.
I hate to sound so pessimistic and I don't mean to be rude but I'm just telling what I've witnessed with my own eyes. There's always that 10% though, but by the way he's talking now, I can't see it being like that.
Hey Expat, nice post and my input is based on your reply to anon's comment:
ReplyDeleteSimply: don't rush into it, give it more time and ask him for more time, if he truly loves you back, he should be willing to give you more time to think about it rather than pressure you into marriage. If he doesn't give you time, then I dunno what to say but I really think marriage is not something to gamble over or "give it a try". I think people should only get married when they're 110% sure they can do all the sacrifices and compromises that come with marriage. Hope this would be helpful and wish you the best :)
Wow Yousef, you are very wise for a man of 21. Thanks for the excellent advice from a half Kuwaiti / half American man's point of view. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Ali M ~ Happy Eid :D
ReplyDeleteI will ask him 'again' for more time. He just won't listen. I think he doesn’t just want to comply with Islam. I am pretty sure he is jealous and afraid I might meet someone else. I feel that is his main reason for rushing me to commit.
Yep here we go I told you. At least he's honest from the get go. Most men will agree with anything just to get married and then they change. Getting engaged is supposed to happen when getting married. This allows the couple to go out without it being haram, it doesn't mean they can have sex because someone is supposed to be with them when they are out. As the saying goes there are always 3 people in the room the girl, the guy and the devil and that's why bad things happen. you can get to know his family (scary idea) and if you 2 don't click then it's ok to break it off. Although he will be out some bucks for all the gold he will get you. Check his religious sector out too. IS he Sunni or Shiite? Because when you have children with a Shiite he will take the kids if you get divorced. No questions asked. Your marriage cert will say your Christian which means if you were to get a divorce it may play against you as Kuwait is a Muslim country and they believe that the children should be raised Muslim. I don't want to make it out to be bad but there are so many things to consider before taking that step. If you need any help just let me know as I know both sides of the situation.
ReplyDeleteGood news though as soon as I get to Kuwait I will get his momma to make me some food and I'll hook you up. My fav is the bastilla which is the chicken and eggs baked in filo dough with powdered sugar and cinnamon. Good lucky girly!
Hi once again, i would cite my own experience, being a Muslim guy i did ask her and i was in a doubt, it wont be that big a matter but after almost 2 years, i found myself in a dilemma when she asked me for more time, time is not a matter when you will be able to reach to positive conclusion but i personally think making someone wait and then in the end telling him, oh i figured out we ain't working well so lets get apart, not fair enough. yeah being in an Islamic culture there are these restrictions of not dating and stuff but i think there is still a lot of flexibility in it with certain limits, and as far as he being a Kuwaiti :P i do have my reservations but i am hoping he proof me wrong but i wish you best of luck, i think the only thing which matters is the time you both spend together, it creates a bond, bond of respect, bond of faith, bond of trust, hope you find it right, cheers, ya your muffin stuff, it pretty much what i found :P have fun :)
ReplyDeleteHi Expat!
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog for a while and I enjoy your posts very much! But I had to comment to this one!
First of all, I'm a Kuwaiti and a muslim... and I dated my husband for almost a year before I decided I wanted to marry him. When people saw us together we told them we are friends. My friends dated too, and some went on and got married and others just broke up because it didn't work with them. It isn't the end of the world. In our time a lot of us are more tolerant and open minded in that regard.
When we had the marriage talk, my husband didn't impose on me any sort of rules. He accepted me as I am and I did the same and we compromised on other things. I didn't make any sacrifices more than he did. We don't live with his parents and we live as equal partners. I don't wear hijab and I love my jeans and T's...and I prefer Tankinis to bikinis, but he doesn't object on either of them. From now and then we enjoy an occaisional glass of wine with our meals.
What I see...is he already imposed on you rules even before you decided a Yes or No. What about you? Do you have any rules for him??? What are they? Did he agree to them?
I do not doubt that you love your guy, but give it time and do not rush into things and don't make it easy for him. The more you resist the more he will show you his true nature. Then you'll get your answer whether you want to go ahead or just break up.
I hope this makes sense to you and will help :) Best of Luck!
Z.
As crazy in Kuwait said "At least he's honest from the get go. Most men will agree with anything just to get married and then they change".
ReplyDeleteDidn't you set your own rules too?
Hey EXPAT : yOU have Love Problem i see , but you are afraid .
ReplyDeleteBut you have a bigger problem wich is attitude .Why you marry moslem .
I ask why
Amerikan Men here in kuwait marry Asian girls and not Amerikan girls if Amerikan girls are so great.
No philipino girls left in KFC or Mcdonaldz ,all go to Ameika .Good question No ???
Also big problems AmeriKans women who marry KUWATI men think "Oh we are so great".Big deal .
I see only kuwait men marry normal Amerikan girls from normal amerikan family , No kuwaiti man marry from Famous American Family like Rocokofeller or Ford or Vanderbelt ...etc . SO why the big deal
Also you do think American man marrying American woman is sucess ,Bullshet . There devorce in amerikan marriages too , actually too much .
I hope i was helpful
Crazy in Kuwait ~ that sounds delicious. I can't wait. :) He is Sunni and a city boy. He studied in the UK. Thank you for all of the good advice.
ReplyDeleteRahman ~ thank you so much. How sweet of you to say. :) This is new to me. I dated in Kuwait casually (movies, dinner, coffee, boating) and never planned to settle down while I'm here. He took me by surprise.
ReplyDeleteZ ~ What a nice story and the relationship with your husband sounds wonderful. Thank you for the good advice. I didn't make any rules yet. Really this has all been a whirlwind romance and I have been in a state of shock. When I met him 'as friends' I didn't even imagine he could be my husband. I was kind of interested in someone else so he took me by surprise. :D
ReplyDeleteMusaed ~ once my feet touch the ground again then I will make my own rules. That list my friend will be on another post. Probably a short but sweet list. ;P
ReplyDeleteNewBiznezMan ~ LMAO!!! Stereotype much? ;)
ReplyDeleteAlright. I am going to leave a serious comment for a change. My thoughts...
ReplyDelete1) Rules aren't bad. In fact it's wise to bring up rules and any other issues that matter before someone commits to a relationship like that. After all it's a lifetime commitment. But...this shouldn't be a one way lane. You need to make your own list.
2) Marriage is about balance between love and your personal needs and wants. If you love someone dearly you compromise on some things but again this flourishes best if coming from both sides.
3) It's hard enough for people from two different cultures to be in a relationship. But when you have the two separate religions involved with both people firm on their beliefs it's a whole different ball game. No matter how much he thinks that he is "Westernized" or you think that you are familiar with the Kuwaiti culture it is constant work. I've heard it from several happily married couples. One of them has been happily married for 40 years. Just so you know cross cultural marriages take a little extra work.
4) Life is full of surprises. When you come across crossroads you make decisions based on your knowledge of the risks and the benefits involved. Make your decision based on calculated risk.
5) I can't emphasize this last thought enough, "Give it time". Humans tend to make much wiser decisions when they are calm and cool than when they are overrun with emotions. If he really loves you and cares about you he will wait.
Good luck!
P.S. Reason why I think you shouldn't get married = I love your blog and would miss it dearly if you decide to follow his rules!
Just stumbled upon your blog! Its always good to find new blogs in Kuwait. Anyway many of things you said imply not only to a guy who practices Islam but whenever there is a marriage between people from different religion, culture or place for that matter, things should be taken slow and rush decisions are the last thing you want. Lady, the fact he has bought up all the things he wants from you in such a straight forward way has both pros and cons. In a way he is clear about his expectations, and not playing you around saying things will be in a certain way and not live upto his words later. On the other hand, has he discussed with you what he wants and how many a things has he agreed upon? Besides, why is he hurrying it up? If he wants commitment, I'm sure he should trust you enough till you are sure of what you want to do. Been in Kuwait forever :) and had my share of American, Indian, European friends and trust me its a common story. Many work, but many don't. Just be sure you know what you are getting into :)
ReplyDeleteWell wisher :)
Bananamonkee ~ thank you so much sweetie. I appreciate the heartfelt advice. :) Everyone's comments have really been helpful. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteKulsum ~ Thank you for your well wishes and thoughtful advice. I really enjoy Indian food and your blog is incredible. I took a peek and felt hungry immediately. ;)
ReplyDeleteOnly because i wish u happieness in life and because i wnat u to think about yourself in first place..i know kuwaiti men very well..as im kuwaiti/iraqi.. ofc i would never marry anyone who is not kuwaity, but for you as an proud christian american, i have to comment..
ReplyDeleteHis Rules...
1. Live in Kuwait because of his career and family.
-yes, you wont ever leave kuwait. Maybe you will move to the us one day, but that would be the beginning of the end, he will feel homesick and he will chose his family n friends over his wife. why stay here when i can get another one there?
2. Live with his family until we build or buy our own house.
- dosent have to be like that. you can try to make him buy the house before you get married.
His mom and his brothers/sisters and their wifes will be annoying and kep in mind that you are american. they will speak arabic and you will feel weird around them
3. No male friends except work colleagues.
- forget, forget, foooorgeeettt that he will ever let you have male friends. and even if he n ur friends became friends, they will hang n leave u at home. tabu to talk or bring ur wiffey when you are out with friends
4. I can continue to work until I become a Mother but I have to find a job that doesn’t require me to work so many hours. He said that once we are married I do not have to work.
- this is something u already found an answer to
5. I can remain Christian but our Children will be raised as Muslims.
muslims and muslims only, unless u, god forbid, get a divorse n take them to the us
6. We can still have Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and Halloween celebrations.
the first 2 years...maybe
7. I can continue to wear Western style clothes but they must be conservative. I do not have to cover my hair or wear Middle Eastern Style clothes.
- most kuwaity women wear casual so this is not a problem..but if your out with his family u will feel like an outsider
8. I cannot drink any alcohol ever again after marriage.
unless he drinks, you cant drink..
9. He will not be the boss of me but I have to consult him first before I make any decisions regarding travel, work, family, etc.
he will be the boss. hes gna be all cute n sweet the first months then instead of suggesting things hes gonna demand..
10. I must retain my good figure and not let myself go after marriage. I should keep my hair as is, long and blonde and only trim the ends. (Are my experimental hair color days over?)
haha cute :P he loves u the way u are ^^
11. Once we are engaged we can do certain things. Once we are married we can do everything except for what is considered non-Islamic.
this is up to you :)
u are sooo sooo cute and beautiful. marriage is a huge thing..think about it and meet his family and invite your family over so he understands that you have support..stand up for yourself, but keep in mind that as a kuwaity, if u disobey, hell get another woman..
i really care and i dont want u to make a huge misstake. THINK. THINK. THINK. :)
love u n ur blog and god bless you nomatter what u choose :)
Hey Expat, just the fact that he doesnt read your blog is a huge red flag!
ReplyDeletethink about it!
i like reading your blog from time to time. its 'cute' ;P anyways i was surprised u fell so fast :O be careful sometimes it might not be such a good thing.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and pursue the road which makes u happiest. Is he worth u following the rules? anyways who am i to give advice :) cheers
Anonymous 8:49 PM ~ thank you for taking the time to respond to each rule. I am really touched by your comment. Your honesty is most welcomed and refreshing. God bless you too. :*
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 11:13 AM ~ Thank you for your comment. He doesn't know anything about my blog. I never shared it with him. It's something just for me and only a few close friends know about it and contribute. :) I don't think he reads blogs at all.
ReplyDeleteBush ~ I know it seems really fast but when it's meant to be you can't change fate. I also do not write about my personal life with him until now. To my readers it just came up out of nowhere. I wanted to protect myself. Only my closest friends are aware of my juicy details. LOL. I just need more time to think about what I want. I wanted some input from my readers who give great advice. Thank you for your comment. :)
ReplyDeletei'm going to skip all the comments as their so huge I can write a book with them. In my kind of humble opinion, his rules are tender and indulgent.
ReplyDeleteUnlike other rules i've heard from arab men marrying ex-pats his are probably the most open-minded and understanding.
Religion aside, don't look at him as a Muslim, don't look at yourself as a Christian. If and only if their is chemistry, things take a good turn. I'm only saying this because it is much harder to have a successful marriage from 2 very different culture's and ways of life.
Always keep in mind, it is the inner beauty that counts most. If his a cheerful optimistic soul, then I wish you 2 the best marriage in this short life we live in.
Just my 2fils.
Hi Kuwaitiful ~ thank you sweetie. ;)
ReplyDeleteHi there Expatandthecity,
ReplyDeleteI never ever comment on blogs, even though I read most of them, but in this case, I'd love to. His rules are typical of a moslim, but more lenient than other rules, so good. As others who commented, marriage is not easy to maintain nowadays, let alone the inter-cultural ones. Yes, this type of marriage needs a lot of work from both sides to make it work. I think it's cute when 2 from different cultures keep it smooth n' fun. But I'm sure it's a constant battle of cultures. If you don't mind me asking,how long have you known your Kuwaiti partner? Honestly, my husband and I (both Q80s) known each other since college and got married a year after graduation, but we didn't date because of religious reasons (both moslems). We are still in love because we have a chemistry and always honest with each other. But, it's kind of easy for us because we are from the same country and religion. This doesn't mean that you will not have a successful marriage because you are from different countries and faiths. You two can make it work by being honest with each other before marriage like where do you want to live? What does your and his family say about this? religion of kidz? I'm sure he wants them moslems, while you want them christians, right? So, you should discuss this before marriage. Moslem or christian names? His rule about alcohol and bikini is understandable because of Islam. So, did you 2 agree? Don't forget, if you two, God forbid, get divorced, by law, you may take the kidz, so this will break his heart not seeing his own kidz. Don't forget to discuss mahar (dowery), it's your right as a wife, even if your not moslem. Ask him dont be offended. If he is slightly older than you, then it's good for you, because you don't want to marry an irresponsible guy. Before I forget, is he a player, what about his past? Did he tell you? Is he the jealous type? Girl, the jealous husbands are paranoid, so check for it. Does he expect you to convert to Islam after marriage? Another point, in these type of marraiges, kidz suffer from identity crisis because of being exposed to Kuwaiti and Amercan cultures. How are you going to handle that? Remember that your kidz are the most important thing in this marriage.
HAndsomw, romantic and poetic? Are you sure hes Kuwaiti? Where did you find him? Whant to trade? LOOOOOL
In any way, wish you the best no matter what choice you make. Why is he pushing you to marriage so soon? If hes old, then maybe he wants to marry before its too late or that he won't get a promotion if he stays single. Just check. Just wanna you to cover everything with him n' sorry if I pushed too far.
Anonymous 11:45 AM ~ Hello :) and thank you for your comment. Well, ‘I think’ he is handsome and yes, he is very generous and romantic. He is a little chubby in the middle but I like it. He is always going to the gym and dieting now for me but I told him I like him the way he is. He wrote me three poems so far and they are amazing. He could publish them, he is so intelligent. He is 100% Kuwaiti and has a really good job here in Kuwait. We were introduced by friends and it wasn't a set up. I didn’t think anything about him except that he was so polite except for the staring. He told me later that the first time he met me he knew I was ‘the one’. He was in love with a Kuwaiti girl when he was studying abroad but it didn’t end well. He told me he never even thought about marrying a non-Kuwaiti until he met me. He is shy and sweet so I don't get the player vibe from him. I'm more of a player than he is...heehee, just teasing! ;) I do not agree with all of his rules. When we have our serious discussions I tell him what I want too. I am not going to give up having a glass of wine or wearing a cute bathing suit when we travel. I know about the dowry and he can afford it. I made him laugh saying I would keep it in a private account for when I divorce him for a younger husband and take the children back to the US. He gets my silly sense of humor so that makes me happy. I’m more concerned about the ring because he doesn’t have a clue about jewelry. I told him it has to be bigger than my sisters! I informed him about the four C’s and we will pick it out together in Dubai if I say yes. There are several things I do not like but they are small things and not deal breakers. I’m far from perfect so I don’t expect him to be. The biggest problem we have now is me needing more time. He is jealous but not too much. When I am with him and a guy calls from work he wants to know who he is and why he is calling. I always tell him he has to trust me like I trust him. I just don’t like feeling pressured or rushed to make such a life changing decision. I’m also worried about his family and mine. That is going to be the most difficult part. He isn’t worried about his family but he is terrified about mine. My Dad is a bit scary and they want me to live in the US. I’m just trying to enjoy the moment and not stress too much. I’m trying but sort of failing! Lol.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the children’s names:
ReplyDeleteHe said we can pick out names that are both Kuwaiti and American. Like Yousef (Joseph). I told him that I will take his name because I want to have the same name as my children. He wants three children and I want two. He is not old (late twenties) but older than me. He said we cannot continue to date, that we must make it official according to Islam. That is his reason for pushing me. It's not for a promotion because $ isn't a problem. We would not have children right away (my choice) because I am too young. I want to enjoy the honeymoon, continue with my career and not rush into that as well. He agrees but said his family will think that is strange. He does not want me to convert but he said his family will nag him about it. The children must be Muslim but I will be a 'hands on' Mother so my Christian values will also be a part of their upbringing. They can choose when they get older. We are both highly educated and come from good, loving families. The children will benefit from the same upbringing. Thanks again for your comment. :)
If he specifically listed 11 rules...
ReplyDeleteThen either 1 rule is missing, or 1 rule should be removed.
It's just a little numerology technicality xD
Find out what rule is missing, or which one he might consider removing.
Best of luck! ^_^
Hamad ~ lol, he wants to keep adding rules. Thank you :D
ReplyDeleteHello expat. I've resisted commenting on this post but I just can't help it anymore. Usually what I have to say inevitably causes a massive shitstorm and I get a flurry of negative responses condemning me to hell, but I have to say something for the sake of your fiancé and the integrity of your marriage. I'm probably the only commenter putting myself in the guy's shoes as I am a man myself and I too happen to be engaged to an American girl.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, it's not unreasonable at all for him to ask you to stop drinking and wearing bikinis for the rest of your married life. Take a moment and think about how your kids will feel about their mom drinking alcohol and wearing revealing clothes at the beach. Being raised as Muslims in a mostly conservative society, that would be devastating for them. That's not something you can change about them, they will undoubtedly be ashamed of you if they are to be raised as Muslims in Kuwait. It's a fact of life. You definitely don't want to traumatize your kids psychologically. Think about it.
Secondly, I think you're getting some really terrible advice and you would do well to take everything said with a grain of salt. One of the above comments comes from a divorced American woman. She urges you to be defiant and reject this guy's (very reasonable) rules. Look where that got her; is this someone you really want to take advice from? Then you have a Kuwaiti Muslim woman that says she wears tube tops and drinks booze abroad regularly with her husbands blessing, as if to imply that this is normal and that your future husband is being unreasonable by asking you to refrain from these things. In reality of course, this woman's marriage is alien to the vast majority of Kuwaitis. She represents a fringe minority and you cannot and should not expect your fiancé to allow you to be that way. He's being completely normal. He's protecting your reputation and that of your children, as I've explained above. It's not a matter of oppressing you in any way, it's about protecting you. People gossip in Kuwait and you don't want your reputation hacked and slashed by the sharpened tongues of bitter Kuwaiti women who probably already dislike you for taking one of their men. You don't want them to say something along the lines of "look at our foolish man, he married a scantily clad drunkard woman of ill repute". If you want some solid advice, you should seek it from a successfully married American woman; someone like SnowInq8, whose blog you must be familiar with. She's been married for a long time.
Thirdly, there's nothing wrong with living at his family's house. These people commenting above don't know what they're talking about. MANY Kuwaiti houses are designed with a completely private sealed off "suite" upstairs intended to house their newly wedded son along with his wife. Did you even see his house? Don't be hasty, it could be much better for you. His family's maids could keep the place clean and cook for you too! Further down the line, after you have kids, you can go out with your husband and leave the kids at home with the grandparents to babysit them. There are many advantages to this arrangement. It's not all gloom and doom like some people would have you believe.
Fourthly, the fact that your fiancé won't let you associate with other males only means that he's a real man. I realize that this isn't the case in the US, but in Kuwait, a man who allows his wife to have male friends is widely regarded as a phaggot, for lack of a better word. He's not being oppressive, he's protecting your reputation and his own. I want you to be really honest with yourself; if it were up to you, ideally, would you have your rather your man have female friends or would you prefer that he stays away from them? I can't imagine why you'd want him to have female friends, many of whom may be attractive. Yes this is motivated by jealousy, but not all jealousy is bad! Jealousy that stems from insecurity certainly isn't a good thing, but jealousy that is motivated by love and protection is good thing that Islam encourages. Complete exclusivity in a relationship is something that all couples should strive for. Believe me there's a lot more I can say about this, but I'll keep my comment relatively short for now.
ReplyDeleteHis rules are very very reasonable. Not bad at all. I would even say they're pretty lax in comparison to what the average Kuwaiti man expects from his wife. I implore you to try to see things from his point of view as a normal Muslim Kuwaiti man. I kinda feel sorry for the guy to be honest with you if you're going to reject these very basic rules. I hope you don't take offense to anything I said, I'm just being real with you. You have to be brutally honest when talking about something as serious as marriage. Thanks for reading.
Anonymous (2 above) ~ I think the commenter’s above were just trying to help, which they did. I really appreciate each one of them for taking the time to write to me. I wouldn’t be so quick to judge anyone above because a comment doesn’t give their entire history. I wish you the best with your upcoming marriage.
ReplyDeleteHello Expatandthecity, this is Anonymous (Nov 26 10;42). Thank you for your quick reply, darling. I forgot to add a couple of things. Girl, your Kuwaiti guy is a keeper, seriously, do you know that? :). I want to say this, he is already sacrificing a lot by not marrying a Kuwaiti, like not being elegable to receive the 4000 KD marriage grant by the government, but I don't mean that he has to choose between money and you, because I believe you are a keeper as well :), also, if he works in the military/police/diplomatic/foreign affairs, then he will not be able to get better work positions for marrying a non-Kuwaiti. Your children will suffer as well for not being able to enroll in Police academy or military. Please understand it has nothing to do with your nationality, dear, its just for safety and security reasons. Remember that he will be reminded by some people that things will get worse after marriage and if, God forbid, something bad happens, they will all say 'I told you so'. The Anonymous guy who is engaged to an American girl (commented below me) said that his rules are protecting you, him and your children. So, I too, dont think that he is the bad guy, as some of the readers portraied him. In fact, you dont know how lucky you are that you met an honest, handsome, romantic, and generous guy. Are you aware that guys like him have disappered. Dont get me wrong my husband has these traits, except he is not tall and is not poetic. Not his style :'(.
ReplyDeleteGirl, if you think that you are sacrificing a lot by not being able to drink and wear bikini/bathing suit, then remember that he is sacrificing everything. The fact that the lifespan of inter-cultural marriages is not as long as the same culture marriage is a constant worry for him to carry everyday of his married life. Darling, please dont think Iam jealous of you, Iam not. I wish you 2 the easiest life, but remember that he is sacrificing more than you do without you realising it. If you think that his rules are unbelievable then I think it's better for you to end it before it gets worse. Its easeir to end an engagement than a marriage.
One more thing, dont want to be nosy, but ask him why he ended his relationship with the Kuwaiti girl.
Please, Expatandthecity, Dont be offended by what I said. I just want you to see the whole picture before you find out later and know that Guys in the middle east are not afraid of their parents, but they dont want to marry without their parents' blessing. Wanted to cover this point before I forget.
Hi again Anonymous above ~ thank goodness money isn’t an issue with us. I am marrying him (inshallah) because he is loaded, cha-ching $$$. Just teasing ;P He is very generous and can you believe he loves to go shopping? He likes me to pick out his clothes with him. He used to wear his t-shirts way too tight. (What’s up with that?) You could see his tummy. So I corrected that fashion faux pas!
ReplyDeleteI know he will give up a lot if we marry but I am giving up my country and being with my family. That is the ultimate sacrifice and I don’t think anything can compare to that.
Today I was in a meeting at work and so my phone was on silent. He called me a zillion times. When I could call him back I did but he didn’t answer. He gave me the ‘ignore treatment’ and so I sent him a text explaining I was unable to answer because of the meeting. He didn’t respond for a looooooooooog time and then he sends me this sms saying I work too hard and he doesn’t like it. So now I am giving him the ‘ignore treatment’. Let's see how he likes it. Cuz he really ticked me off!
Thank you sweetie for your helpful comments. :*
Oh, I forgot...he loved the Kuwaiti girl very much and he told me the entire story. She really hurt him but that was in the past. He feels comfortable with me and we share a lot about ourselves. He knows I am not going to judge him for his past. Which was pretty boring compared to mine. ;)
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeletePlease,please do not do it. Don' t marry him. I was once a young, beautiful,ambitious educated European girl and now I hate my life. After moving to Kuwait I lost everything, my job my friends my sanity. You will find yourself isolated and miserable and he will be jealous of everyone and everything. This is the first time I commment on blogs, but after reading your story I thought it was mine. Scary... Please pack your bags, book your ticket and run-they are so persuasive and sweet in the beginning and maybe you won't be able to resist. The gap between our cultures is so wide that even the strongest love cannot bridge it, somebody always has to suffer. And in this case it wil be YOU.
Anonymous 9:18 PM ~ Thank you for your sincere comment. It sent chills down my entire body. I know there are some successful marriages but I do hear more stories like yours. Are you still in Kuwait because of your children?
ReplyDeleteI just heard of an American lady who stayed here because of her children. She was in an abusive marriage but couldn't leave because of her babies. She went with her husband and children on holiday and while he was sleeping she escaped. He woke up and they were long gone.
I really don't like to comment on old posts i just hope some of these rules are flexible,,,This is coming from a Half Kuwaiti , my moms an expat believe me i don't need her to tell me she stayed for us!! my mom lived in with my dads parents they never accepted her even tho she told me how they were with her at first all kissy hugs bla bla they used to steal her things,treat her like shit(some things are too private for me to write) but when i hear about these stories i keep telling her how did you stay married? her reply she loved him,,She converted and my dad forced her to wear Hijab saying if she didn't she'd corrupt his sisters... US(the kids) however were brought up in the muslim religion my mom is sorta strict (fasts,prays on time tho she does remove her hijab in her home country) that even sorta caused them to nearly have a divorce i ended up back in Kuwait at school term my mom came back for me? if i could turn back the clock i would have stayed with her,,Speaking of culture clash i was raised in the Muslim religion yet when i grew up i didn't follow i made my decision when i was young after so many why? and unanswered questions? i converted long ago,,neither of my siblings are religious at all were all western yet like i said my mom fasts+prays my dad goes to pray as early as 5am now this is a major culture clash when i had trouble with a relationship once my mom told me to keep trying to fix it dont let the man you love get away like i did?! SNAP my mom confirmed my theories if she'd have went back in time she'd have convinced herself love isn't always enough for a relationship! i constantly get reminded of burning in hell by my dad for not wearing hijab/praying i avoid him at all costs! my parents relationship i think its a helloo and goodbye thats it! You'd also have to know if your fiancee found out his daughter was dating don't be shocked if she gets thrown in the nearest hospital bed like some of the girls i witnessed i was lucky to get a few slaps in my early teens..Honestly if he was a bit wee open minded i'd have said go for it but think with your head and not your heart for the kids its going to be hard i don't know any half breeds that are religious maybe 2 out of alot of ppl i know.Remember my story is one out of many other's :) its 50% - 50%
ReplyDeleteThe guy above that comments about reputation it's true but do you want people to control your life?? i know a couple of girls that have done the most unimaginable things in Kuwait their reputation is solid gold they just act like saints around people and their all happy married the male friend issue anonymous-->real man argh i dont want to stress on that term but insecurities bite these Kuwaiti men in the ass there's nothing wrong with having male\female friends after all relationship is based on trust and it's fun to go out with couples\other familes for outings and travelling together i know many open minded full Kuwaiti people enjoying their life as their suppose too
Hi J ~ I'm thrilled to receive your comment because it's great and the first one in a long time. I appreciate how you shared your Mother's story (God bless her) and your experience as a half-Kuwaiti. I wish the very best for you and hope you are happy. I think once we get a certain age we have to realize that what we choose in life is between us and God. Our parents do not always know what is best for us.
DeleteA lot has changed since I wrote this post. We both have grown up and just know each other much more. Some of his rules are out the window. He was no match for my charm. ;)
My Mom is still dead set against this because of our difference in religion and culture. I want her close to me again and I pray she will accept what I want for my life. I know she is stubborn and refuses to support my decision.
I'm sure when she reads this it will cause another fight. :( I just hope things will change soon so she is by my side when I need her the most.
Thanks again for sharing your story.
Hugs & all the best,
E&TC
I have always told my daughters and soon my grand daughters. If you are dating a guy you have to remember he is on his best behavior because he is trying to win you. If during the time of dating, and his "best" behavior, you see bad things, or things you have doubts about....... you better take that as a warning. Once the guy marries you, he is no longer on his best behavior. If he is on his best behavior and you notice, for example, that he is angry a lot, or jealous, or controlling..... you better take that serious. It will get worse after marriage when he no longer feels the need to be on his best behavior.
ReplyDeleteIt is just normal human behavior that most people just honestly don't try as hard after they marry as they did before.
You are absolutely correct. While dating we are all on our best behavior. However, I have trouble controlling my emotions and he has seen a tantrum or two. He knows the real me yet he still is amazing. :) He has calmed down a lot since the first few months when he demanded that we rush into marriage for his faith. He did a 360 for sure when he thought he would lose me forever.
DeleteWe promised my parents that we would wait to marry and get to know each other past the blinded by "lust" and me blinded by "Hermes / Chanel" stage. Heehee ;) He really is too good to be true but we have been together so long now that I just trust him. I also trust in God that he led me to the right person. After all, I was and still am not looking to get married. It just happened when I least expected it.
Thank you for your good advice. :*